4/12/2023
Today I sat in my car and let the tears flow. The kind of crying that causes your whole body to shake. I sat there and grieved the life I should have lived with my sister. I grieved for the families impacted by AFE and the lives lost. I grieved for my friends who have had to spend one full year without their mom and my other friend who is about to attend her father’s funeral. Some people shut down after they’ve experienced loss. My heart busted wide open when I did. To feel someone else’s pain is truly one of the most horrific feelings aside from experiencing your own grief/trauma firsthand. I do not wish the winding valleys and towering mountains through the journey of grief upon anyone. But it finds us. I want to be encouraging and say things like “it’ll get easier” or “it’ll be okay’ however, the truth is, it won’t. I’m dreadfully sorry to say such an awful thing- however, I refuse to lie. I have felt every bit of grief or my sister all over again at several points of my life and I believe there will be more to come. Time doesn’t heal pain; it just makes it different.
I grieved heavily upon graduating high school, college, landing my first job, getting engaged once and then again, getting married, etc. At many stages of my life I allowed myself to feeling that gaping hole where my sister should be. That is the price we pay for loving and being loved. Does that mean we should give up? I don’t think so. You see, every day that you wake up and live without your loved one is a day that you’ve exerted massive amounts of bravery. It doesn’t matter if you spent the day in your pajamas sobbing into a gallon of ice cream. It doesn’t matter if you hit the pavement and ran until your brain went numb. To live without your loved one is courage. This courage allows us to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps when the going gets tough for those that may face similar trials. It isn’t our duty, our responsibility, to stand with those that will face grief. But, I do believe it is a privilege and honor to be that person that shows up when no one else does in a way that no one else can. To show up and say nothing and let it feel “weird.” To hug your friend and not say things like “they’re in a better place now.” To be that person that is a safe haven for others battling with all things loss. That kind of love and support not many others can give. So, we can distance ourselves and stay safe. Or, we can push into the pain and vulnerability and support those that need it most.
I know people like to say “it costs zero dollars to be kind” but being perfectly honest it does require effort sometimes. However, coming from someone who has heaps of sadness from loss; kindness matters. If you do not know grief in an intimate way, I am glad for you. If you know it all too well, I am here for you. I wish there was a special cure for the sadness, anger, and multitude of other emotions you go through when grieving a loved one- but that is what makes support from individuals with a special sense for these things so very important. When the weight of it all is too much; there are people out there that will help you carry it.
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