Because of my past experiences, I feel that I am pretty qualified to write on the topic of grief. I am not an expert of any kind, nor am I a therapist for grieving individuals. But, considering I have experienced a great amount of grief in my short life, I think I can share with you all some of my not-so-great experiences with "comforting" words from a non-grieving individual without being completely shunned.
this Earth on July 26th, 2007 at the young age of 24. She left behind 2 beautiful
children: Maezie Olivia and Maximilian Ollivander, who are the light in my life.)
I have compiled a list of things you should never say to a person who just lost a loved one. A forewarning for all of you people who have never lost a loved one: You may not like what I have to say. Also, I am very sarcastic, so bear with me (:
"They are in a better place."
Nope, not helpful or comforting….The better place seems to be right by my side, thank you very much.
"Everything happens for a reason/It's part of God's plan."
Although, most see this as a harmless/comforting thing to say--believe me: IT IS NOT. The grieving individual will not see this "plan" or "reason" right after a loved one passes and they may never see it at all. The only thing that the grieving person wants is to have their loved one back, not have their loss be clumped together in some "greater plan" with all the other people who have ever died….ever.
"Time will heal your pain."
Well, does it now? So, you just stop missing people that you love? Hmm...interesting concept, I'll keep that in mind while my situation only seems to be getting harder and harder as the days pass that I haven't seen my loved one.
"How did it happen/How did he or she die?"
First, if you're having to ask how it happened, there's probably a good reason you don't already know the answer. Let the grieving person tell you in their own time, if they even choose to tell you at all!!! If they don't tell you, I think you will live. I can't tell you how many times I've seen the words: "Oh my gosh! I am so sorry. How did it happen?" written all over social media when a person loses a loved one. All sorts of people come out of the wood work to ask this question. The harsh true is: It's really none of your business.
"Are you okay?"
I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest, torn into pieces, ran over by a train, thrown to the bottom of the ocean, and then obliterated by a nuclear bomb, but I'm peachy keen...Thanks for asking.
This one should be pretty self explanatory: The person is clearly not okay. Please note that this is different than asking: "How are you?" This can also be painful to answer depending on the person you're asking, and who is doing the asking.
"I know how you feel."
If there is one statement that I hate most.....IT IS THIS ONE. Sorry folks, but losing your pet dog does not even come close to the hurricane of grief the individual, who just lost a loved one, is experiencing. Even if you may have lost a loved one- a mom, a brother, a cousin, a best friend- realistically, this also doesn't give you the right to make this statement. For the most part (and I am not claiming this for every single situation) your situations are probably very different, and even though you have both experienced grief, it's just not the same grief.
"Everyone's days are numbered/No one lives forever."
Well this is VERY true, and the grieving person who you just said this to is probably hoping that your time is coming next.
"Stay Strong/Please Don't Cry."
Both of these things, if said, restrict the grieving person from the freedom of completely breaking down. Breaking down, being weak, and crying the whole day through is completely healthy for the grieving person. God forbid that it makes YOU feel uncomfortable. Just let it happen, people.
So, there you have it my dear friends. If you have found that you have said one or all of these things at some time or another: DO NOT FEAR. Many grieving individuals are forgiving to the things said by people who have no idea what they're talking about. Also, at the time of you saying these hideous things, the person may have not heard you at all. Because believe it or not, the grieving individual(s) don't typically hear every word that comes out of your mouth. Your words just add to the noise that's already swarming inside their head. So, hop off your high horse and accept that your words aren't the most comforting thing in that moment; your presence is. You being there, offering a shoulder to cry on, arms to embrace with, and a listening ear is by far enough. Do not feel like you HAVE to say something or make the person laugh. I was once told: Just being there offering support, care, and love--completely free of judgement of how that person wants to openly or inwardly grieve-- is the perfect balance. I end with sincere advice so that you all can go out into the world and be loving to those who really need to be loved.
Warmly,
Karis Oberman
Ps. I appreciate feedback and I'd loved to hear from you all. Tell me things you've heard that have helped and haven't helped you in your time of grieving. I'd love to know!
